-GULP, I GOT YOUR BRAIN!
That is what the demon said when it approached me a few years ago. It has been saying things to me ever since then. It speaks to me, and translates the world into it's fine-tuned reality. I am reality-blind, through this demon.
The demon was transparent gray, with large horns- not short ones. They were two cathedral thin, and long horns- rushing to the ceiling. It had sharp teeth, but small, like regular teeth split in two. Its chin was sharp and pointy, it had no ears. I wanted to stare, I was curious, but I didn't because I wanted it to go away. It breathed another atmosphere than this place.
"Hi, Stace." Okay, I know it is weird. "You desired my meeting."
I want to tell other people about this so these situations can come to an end. Maybe we can beat them. We have to be able to- if we all unite together online, we can create a task force. He is trying to kill me, in a way that I cannot be reincarnated again. He is trying to end my life in a way that my spirit will not have enough energy to perpetuate itself into another body. I will see a flash of his face, in place of my own face, in the window of a bus.. right after a near death experience. His open mouth. Every time I almost die, I see him. He is right there.. maybe on a shiny surface, a mirror.
And every near-death experience has something in common. I am always facing my reflection. I look into my eyes- in a mirror, in glass, a shiny surface. The toilet overflowed, in my dorm, for no good reason... I left the bathroom light on, and when it's on it makes this loud buzzing sound- so people can't hear. I had a hair dryer in my hands, and the water was approaching my feet. I looked into my eyes, and another section of myself realized something horrid and disgusting was in the air. I put down the hairdryer, and felt the moist water crawl against my heels, and greet me with its evil comfort. My black pupils seemed to float in the mirror for a moment. I imagined hands on my shoulders, of an identical self. Telling me it would happen, warning me. The evidence was the water, that was the evil.
I fixed the toilet, called the front desk.. and got a mop to clean up the mess. It was creepy, I didn't know when somebody would come up behind me. Any moment they would. Rise from the water.. The water that had greeted my feet, could become water that rises, and massages my back. The dirty apprehension, I just kept mopping. Mopping up the dull tiled floor in the bathroom, and in front of my vanity area. Just kept mopping. Then I got some toilet paper, and wiped up what the mop wouldn't get. Then I threw the toilet paper out. I went downstairs to return the mop, and got my student id back. I said hi to the guy at the front desk, and he had a glint in his eyes, as if he were the guy, staring at me. As if I were my own reflection, and he were me- looking into the mirror. I felt like a cave, like a vacuum. I felt like the reflection, like the one recieving a stare to analyze one's image. I was the image that other people took into their minds. I am their pleasure, their pain, or their sorrow, or joy. Yes but he is the one working at the front desk. If I was working at my job- as a cashier, then he would be the one- giving me a reflection of myself. How nice I am to my customer, how happy he is to have been served by me.
I went back up to my room, unlocked the door. The floor was dry. THe mirror was haunting. Where is that girl that saved me. I looked into the mirror. The demon's face hung in the mirror, solid, in replace of my face. It was no longer transparent. It was almost as if I was looking at the real thing, not the reflection. It was almost as if, the reflection was the reality. So I was looking at the demon. It's mouth was open, as if it was hungry. It was a rock, it was as souless as a rock.
I can't tell anyone about this, I just can't. I need to keep it seperate from my life- or else it will follow me everywhere. If I told my friends, then the demon would be with them too. I would imagine it, in their eyes, or in their rooms. But if I keep it secret, it won't be real. It will diminish. It's true purpose is obvious. It writes me letters online. It wrote me. It told me it would end my perpetuation. It told me it had the ability to end infinity for one spherical entity. "I see you in the mirror" It said, "And this will end your reign on Earth."
Everytime I almost die, I am looking in a reflection. I see him, and sense what he is thinking. I look into him... His hungry eyes anticipate my ending, his closure on my death is immenent. He is soulless, and dark. He cannot emphasize. So I guess I can see through him, I can sense the intuitive movement I must make in order to avoid death. But it is always a close call. I am getting tired. I don't know how long I can battle this. Sometimes, I long for it to be over with. So I consider the alternative. I consider going against intuition, which is so much of an easy manuever, it's not even funny.
Every single day I beat myself up, for considering surrendering. You know, it sucks. I am not used to this. I am so scared. I don't want to tell authorities, not just yet. Because, then it will make me feel hopeless. If I don't tell them, then I won't feel so despairing. I will know, that the evidence will grow. There will be more close encounters, the demon might grow impatient. And my character will grow. I will be more independent.
If I tell the authorities, then the whole world will seem like a closet. There will be no more denial. I will not be able to roam the corners of the Earth, hoping that there is some reverence out there, some way of being saved. There's gotta be a way to be saved. Just hold it inside, and science might discover this creature. It is scientific. It has to do with light. I can be smart, at times. A lot of the times I act stupid. I don't really excercize my intelligence that much. I expell that energy into stupidity. I act stupid, I drink, I smoke, I laugh at the wrong things. I say stupid things, I do stupid things. My father is dying, and I don't even care. I don't care at all. Well, maybe a little bit, because I have to take care of him and see him in these last six months before he dies.. but only because I know I will feel guilt forever if I don't accomplish it before he dies. I feel such a burden of responsibility. Such a burden.
I feel guilty that I care more about my life, about my looks, and grades.. and getting my life into perfection, then helping my dad ease his last days into moments of serenity and joy. Such a burden. I want to be selfish- however, if he were healthy and thriving, I would take advantage of his existence. I woulnd't appreciate him, and I would probably be just as stressed out, or even more. I think struggling to figure out how to deal with the situation of my father dying, is using some of my intelligence, so I am less stressed out than if he were healthy. So it forces me to be a little bit unselfish, and that makes me a calmer person. I am more organized now. I wish he were healthy, and I wish it didn't take a death sentence to make me open my eyes to how quickly time passes, and how I can't look forward to time getting over with- so I can feel happiness sometime in the future. I have to appreciate every single day, I have to grasp every moment. I have to live each day- as if it were my last. It is my dad's last. So, I must not try to push forward, to anticipate the future, and try to get the present over with.
I am cheating him. I really am. I look forward to two years form now. I anticipate when I will be graduated from college. I don't want to be in school right now. I want to be off on my own- with a leather jacket, and a cool car. I want to live with a man, a sexy man. I want to have my life altogether. But as time goes by- more problems emerge. More problems with more complicated solutions. And the demon. He seems like a child I have given birth to... from another world.
UPDATE!! GOOD NEWS!!! My father went to the doctor, and they said that his cancer is regressing!!! It is almost all gone!! I have been praying lately, and not drinking, and not smoking. I am excercizing, and buying plants, and being unselfish- and being nice to everyone I care about. I am working in a very good job, and happy with the people I am with. I minimize my negative feelings. He is getting healthy, and I am so happy to be with him, I don't even look forward to the present ending anymore. I enjoy every single moment. I love my dad, we've always had this connection- but I haven't appreciated it before. I took it for granted, just used him- dragged him through life, and stomped on the happiness I felt- treating it like grapes- stomping on them, instead of eating them.
Tonight, an angel visisted me. It was white- like the color of paper when you have erased a word from it. It was like an erased mark from the atmosphere, within my room- yet outside my window at the same time. It was smiling, inside me, and all around. Yes, it was indeed. The angel, with the aqua-marine, diamond shaped eyes, told me the demon had been extinguished. That the demon would no longer chase me anymore. She smiled, with soft feathery lips, and erased the air within her mouth. Inside her mouth, I saw an eternity, just a tiny fraction of space within my room- yet it opened up into an eternity of worlds, and space. It was bright- and I could not make out shapes or features, but it was an eternity of everything. Her eyes were different. They didn't open up into a world of an eternity. Instead, they shined from the world of an eternity. They reached out from that world, and peered into my eyes. They were two beads, that detected light from my world- to give me the gift of understanding on its own part. The angel was a female, but she could have been a guy. Her face was indistinguishable in size.. it hung there- in a pleasant way, before me. I couldn't tell where her legs ended, or began. They were in my room, but she was outside as well- she was everywhere at once- she was holding my spirits in her warm hands. She was comforting many people- in many different worlds, at one time.
"I am but one angel, sent to you by the Creator." Her eyes were warm with faith.
"I have the duty of keeping your spirit safe. I cannot fail. I became your spirit for a moment, in order to put the dryer down. I knew what the demon was up to, before he could harm you. He is very impulsive. But I can become him, as well, and I know when he will harm you. I looked into your eyes- my eyes, from the mirror. It was you- but a stronger you- a you with a background- a you, a tree- with a forest surrounding. I shined from BEHIND behind your eyes."
She stayed so real to me. And time went so slow, while she was there. She helped me embrace every moment, so it could not slip by- from horizon to horizon- every breath I could breath, was as deep as possible. I breathed as deeply as I could, without making an effort. From horizon to horizon- the light was still, and the air was still. The angel hovered above me, like a light and a cloud mixed in one. She was a racing air- a million times inside of her. And the sun is her home.
"I cannot tell you the secrets of life, love. But I can protect you, and show my face to you. I show my face, and honor your pain. You must do me a favor in return, my love. Your faith has been proven, beyond a doubt. I am before you now. So you must honor all of your promises, you must be good now. I have given you the gift of unselfishness, these past few months. I am real to you now. Denial is stolen, by my presence. If you break this, I will never come before you in this lifetime again."
Her eyes changed. She knew I was confused.
"You will need me, if some uncertain event should happen again. It is very unlikely. It doesn't happen often. Twice in a row, is even more unlikely. But... in the case that it does happen again, you will be traumatized, and lonely, and empty for the rest of your life without my return. I will protect you, but I will be invisible- and there will always be denial, so I will never be real. Only your faith can heal you, and your faith has to conquer your own evils- and that is a strenuous process. Your spirit will grow weary, and you will have a hard time surviving. A demon could visit you again. That is unlikely. They escape the underworld rarely, but when they do, they forget how to function in a world other than torture. But they aren't actually tortured. They are imagined. They don't know they are imagined, so they think they exist. Not by the devil, no. But by one truly evil man. It was unheard of from the beginning, but there is one. And he imagined these demons. He imagined many things. He imagined the Earth, once. The people believed they existed, so they did. He imagined them living in homes, with very vulnerable beings called children. The 'parents' were very protective of their children. He also imagined that they were very burdened, and had false hope of ever achieving independence from continuous tasks. He enjoyed teasing them, taunting them- making their hopes rise to the point of absolute certainty of achieving their goals, then becoming their spirits- and making them choose the wrong choice, so all of the fortunes would be erased from possibility- because of their 'own' decision."
I sensed mourning in her tone. As evil as he was, she pitied him, because she was purely good. Purely good.
"Evil is not a word that applies to the nature of man. It applies to an act. An act can be evil, or good. But a man cannot be evil. But, this man is evil. He existed when he imagined himself. He imagined himself, before he was intended to be created. A mortal cannot do that. A soul's continuity had to have been ended. He used it to create an immortality in one conciousness, so he could build and stregthen his skills. One soul has ended. One soul in the entire infinity of universes, has ended for eternity. And one man, is evil. The Creator expects happiness in return. We all deserve our equal shares of joy. This is a 'give and take relationship'. He wants to know that his children will be good. So he will not force a good nature upon this man. He wants to trust us with the ability to have good will. This man betrayed Him. In honour of the perished soul, He gave angels the ability to come into the evil man's imagined worlds. This came at the risk of true pain, true torture- on their part. Because once we entered their world, and spoke to them, they would exist- beyond their imaginations. We talked to them, and comforted them. We taught them, in a sacred language- English, how to think against the evil man. Simply, by having faith in God. The evil man laughed. He created the demons to truly torture the humans. The way you have been tortured, was the least torture a demon could do to a human."
The night sky was dark now. I could see the crescent moon. It had been an hour since the angel had floated above me, but she made the time pass to only be four minutes. In that four minutes, the sun had completely set. Her smile was like the reflective glow from the crescent moon, like she was the moon, smiling down on me. Like when I looked up into the night sky, I was looking at her all along- but could not actually realize it. She was up there, protecting me. And now, above my bed, she was smiling- giving me back the joy I never knew truly existed. The bright moon held back the reality of her figure in front of me. But what I had denied, and had only suspected to be true- was glimmering before me.
She smiled at me, with the same glow and love and joy that the moon and the stars gave me when I peered up at them. I smiled, and experienced my emotion outside my mind. I gave her a smile.
"They enjoy scaring children, stealing and maming them, burning souls, torturing souls as if their lives were an infinity. What it did to you, was merely burning your candle out- like the evil man did at the beginning of his evil sins. But it has never been accomplished. Our powers intervened. The demons had no free will of their own. They did not deserve to be cast away from God's will. So they were not allowed to fulfill this torture. This torture is so unheard of, so unworldly, so indescribable- that any being that inflicts it upon a spirit, will be unworldly punished itlself- to the billionth degree of that torture. And the torture is so indescribable- that even a demon with no free will of its own- will become a meak victim, and endure a million strikes of pain so unbearable it will lose it's souls. This is too much for you to take in one night. But let me warn you."
I could hear my father breathing in the other room.
"If you do not have faith in God. You will trascend upon the evil path. You will not be able to breathe pure air again. You will yearn for the past, when things were better- even though they weren't. Things will always have the potential to be as they should be- but without God, you cannot see that. If you go into the evil path, you will have denial as company. You will no longer be able to access my smile- my reality. Only in your next life, but by then- you'll have dug yourself into a hole. You'll have a rough start in the beginning.. a slow fetus. You know you can do it- the spiritual transcendence you will feel from saving your superficial feelings of drunkedness, stoned, or having an organism- translates into the purer forms of ecastacy, Euphoria, supreme enlightenment. Those emotions carry on for an eternity- and fulfill your life for years to come, and build the potential for more pure, satisfying emotions. The fact that you cannot build your conciousness for an eternity- is why you may continue to eat the forbidden apple. You may continue to eat this apple, because you will not remember anything in continium. You have to learn your mistakes all over again. Lose your friends, your husband, your family. I resisted. I did not eat the forbidden apple. I can feel your joy, and it makes me happy. I feel your fear, and it weakens my joy for a moment. But, as a human, you may feel jealousy knowing we came from the same roots. I do not feel jealousy. You still have the same potential as me- because I am simply another version as you. We are created equal. I am just the potential for your decisions. The potential for your strength, in resisting Earth's temptations. So, do not be jealous, because your can attain my stature and joy. And it is pure joy. Pure joy. Remember playing in the snow when you were a little kid. The white snow all around you- your dad smiling and laughing as you tried to build a fort. Your hat, your gloves, your suit. Your brother babbling on as he tried to work on your fort. Remember smelling the eternity of the present- of the winter air- of the eternity of the full moment. The moment seemed to echo forever. That was before you lost your virginity. You just translated your joy into a machine like feeling. It is a resuilt of pursuing actions while blinding faith in denial."
The moon moved a little bit. My dad continue to snore, and still the angel hovered above me. I felt myself playing in the snow, embracing the feeling of the angel above me. She was a child, an immortal being. She was innocent. My potential. I could be an angel. We all could be angels. People joke, "Oh, she's an angel". But that is just what an angel is. God didn't create certain beings to be above humans, as angels. He created humans- well after the evil man cheated Him, and imagined them before their creating time. He gave them reality, gave them the potential to be angels. But many choose not to be, the angel continued to tell me. Many people feel anxious, and burdened with the knowledge of being completely innocent. They want the luxury to be able to dabble around. Just roam the Earth, until they are ready for their purity. But they will never be ready- they have to just have faith- and be an angel. Humans outnumber angels.
The angel did not part with me. I just acknowledged she was there, and we continued to stay in the room together. She did not fade from my sight. She stayed above me, with Heavenly peace and joy. She watched me fall asleep, and I felt her in my dreams. I couldn't see her anymore, or hear her voice- but I knew that that divine feeling, the moon and the stars- the sun and the clouds, was her. She was still there, but she did not penetrate my sensations. She did not pass the denial barrier. But I tried to discard denial as long as possible. I tried to hold onto her for as long as I could. I looked at friends smiling faces, and then up at the sky. Basically, it was her, but not yet. They were her- they could be her, because she loved them. She loved them with a pure heart. They may never be like her- but they will feel intense joy, and be protected by beings like her.
I will be protected by her. Demons don't exist. I cannot die, and then lose my ability to reincarnate. That wouldn't be fair. Justice, as scary as it is, exists.